Another year has come and gone for me… this time it seems even faster than normal. Turns out, being a mom at 45 has been the biggest blessing and biggest life changing reality at the same time. Some things have slowly started to return to normalcy but I’ve accepted some changes as this is just life as we know it now…ha!
Motherhood is tricky. Sleep deprivation and cluster feedings can drive you to a place that you don’t even know the day of the week. Emotions are all over the place as they change right before your eyes at a pace I wasn’t prepared for. SaraAnn is such a blessing in our lives and I wouldn’t change a thing about this past year. Except maybe to find a pause or slow down button. She will be a year old in less than 2 months…that’s just crazy.
My new hashtag for 46 is about finding my fit. Not fitness, although part of it will most certainly include being more active physically as I chase this quickly growing sweet girl of mine. It’s more about finding where I fit, what God has for me to do with my life and how I grow and be the person I need to be for my husband and child.
This year has been interesting as I’ve felt more isolated than I expected and a little out of sorts in general as I navigate motherhood at my age in a world where many new moms are 2 decades younger than I am. I didn’t anticipate it and quite honestly I feel lonely at times, like “where are my people? who is there in my life to walk this road with me?” I have folks in my life, of course, family and close friends who I lean on. I have daycare families that I see every week and share my life with. What I found was that as I was trying to navigate being a mom for the first time, many circles I was involved in no longer felt like home, as I stepped back from responsibilities and activities to be a mom, those relationships suffered from the disconnect. Nobody is at fault. It’s just simply the way things shake out when you change so much so quickly. My life has drastically been impacted in every way by my sweet baby. And it’s ok. It really is. It’s just different.
I’ve been praying for some direction for some time and then after an unexpected shift in my childcare responsibilities pushed me to put my big girl panties on and figure things out brought to light that it’s time to find my fit in this new reality of mine. Time to decide what 46 looks like for me and my family. I’d like to say it’s clear and defined as to what the next, or to be honest, the first steps are…but I’m not there quite yet.
I felt a tug towards Romans 12 as I was preparing to start this new year.
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.
Romans 12:2, 4-8 ESV
This passage is pointing out that we can’t spend so much time focusing on our own circumstances that we lose sight of whats really important…that as believers we have received gifting and purpose to serve and honor God by using those gifts. Getting comfy in our friend circles and feeling satisfied with only what and who is in our bubble is not what He calls us to do.
My husband reminded me of this passage from Ephesians
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2:10 ESV
I’m out of my comfort zone, praying for clarity and direction about what lies ahead. I’m not anxious but so not super excited to be honest about the process. I have some ideas of what I’d like to see included in the future. Whether or not those areas are where God plans to use me…we will have to wait and see I suppose. I love my bubble, I’ve said it for many years, and I’m not a fan of change and growing pains, but God has slowly but surely been showing me that His plan for me doesn’t have a thing to do with my warm and fuzzy bubble. And I’m OK with that. I think. Ack! It’s scary though, right? I surely can’t be the only one.
So here’s to 46 and what God has for me this year. I’m trusting Him to work the kinks out and show me the path to take to follow His plan for me.
Let’s do this.
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